University dating: An 18th Century Nightmare

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of many bumble dates.

Not Austen’s original words but she was a gal before her time and I am sure the Bennet girls (Lydia in particular) would have spent many an evening in front of a roaring fire with a bottle of wine thinking of all the inventive ways to capture the open shirted, Mr Darcy had they been born 200 years later.

It is December 1^st which means I am now allowed to be excited about Christmas! The festive coffees and big fluffy jumpers and coats, the lights and the carol services, I am ready for it all. I am also ready to reread one of my favourite novels and fall in love once again with the witty, bright Elizabeth Bennet; a total proto-feminist badass, and Mr. Darcy who answers every “Convert a jerk into the perfect boyfriend with true love” fantasy we’ve ever had.

It is one of my favourite past times- usually when work is slow or I have had too much caffeine so I am sat up in bed at 3 am writing absolute nonsense- to equate the men in Pride and Prejudice to the man boys you meet at university.

You meet Mr Bingley at a predrinks during fresher’s week when he turns up at your flat with alcohol that isn’t Tesco’s own brand and a Louis Theroux tee. As the night wares on he explains to you that he has already decided he is going to write his dissertation on the Paris Commune and the merits of Henri de Saint-Simon (in short you fall in love with him instantly). You share a sociology seminar and he always ensures that he gets in that his parents grew up on a council estate somewhere in the north, as if he is some sort of rags to riches prince but he means well. This is Bingley’s problem, he is a really nice spineless guy. Like a Labrador, everything is new and exciting to him and whilst he is super ‘woke’ he doesn’t understand why you can’t swing a three week skiing trip in Portes du Soleil at the drop of a hat. Because whilst he may not wear his wealth like the Mr Darcy’s of the world, he is still extremely rich and he might be painfully lovely but his two sisters are not. You eventually decide that his snobby family are a deal breaker and his faultless optimism becomes a bit much. You don’t need anyone telling you that the capitalist state will fall as they sit there sipping a Starbucks coffee.

We all know a Mr Collins and whilst most of us didn’t date him (thank god) university campuses are crawling with them. He lives in your flat block and turns up at your door one day asking if he can borrow some milk. In reality his mum stocked his fridge up before she left, this is just his in. Over the coming months, you and your flat aren’t quite sure how, but he has wormed his way in. He is always there! Someone breaks up with their boyfriend- enter Mr Collins. Someone is homesick- there’s a knock at the door. You never see him leave the flat block so there are questions as to how he is passing his degree and if he is even a student at all. In short, he is an idiotic pest that you will try to shake for the four years you are at university and he will still slide into your DM’s occasionally after you gradate. Word of warning: do not encourage Mr Collins in any way, shape or form! He doesn’t need it!

You find Mr Wickham at the bar on your uni sports night. When I say find, he walks over to you, topless and drops the cheesiest one liner you’ve ever heard. You hate yourself but it works. You don’t know if it is the 90’s pop or that toga that he wears so well but you think he might be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to you. He is above any night out that doesn’t involve taking copious amounts of coke and you don’t really have conversations, he just tells you how his sport team is doing and then you make out…sexy. He is completely gorgeous and knows it and his family are so rich that he can afford this coke habit well into his thirties before he realises he should probably settle down and get a job. A master of negging, he is aloof, he doesn’t message you back and he won’t introduce you to his friends which in a backwards way makes you want him more. Yet when you’re with him he makes you feel so good you keep coming back. No one settles down with Wickham, you might think you have but chances are so do about seven other girls. It won’t end well and in the throes of you finally waking up and realising you don’t need this dick pirate anymore he reveals himself to be the misogynist you always suspected. Run girl!

You meet Mr Darcy post Wickham. You are done, you’ve been burnt before and you’re not ready to entertain any more floppy haired, little boy crap. You have resigned yourself to the fact that you are going to live with your super successful friends and cats. Then you spot Darcy in your university coffee shop. He is everything Wickham was- hot, brooding, rich. Yet you are not the little spring chicken that Wickham met in the student union. You have barriers that have gone up and whilst you have already planned out yours and Darcy’s wedding before you’ve even said hello, you are not about to make the same mistake again. Only you do… just slower. Instead of falling at Darcy’s feet the first time he takes you out for drinks and doesn’t have a battle with you when you insist on paying half you play it cooler. The he saves your paralytic flatmate from a predator in a club (or your sister from a pompous, lying weasel whatever floats your boat) you realise he might not be so awful after all. You also don’t want to give him up because his name is so fancy, it makes you fancy by association (Fitzwilliam Darcy, come on) like you’re grown or something.

So there it is. A long thought out, Pride and Prejudice 3 am mind vomit. But I don’t think bumble, one night stands and Netflix have made dating any more complicated. If anything at least we can spot the Wickham/ Collins and the Darcy/ Bingley’s from a mile off now. Is there anything Austen didn’t know?

The 5 books to get down with this ‘cuffing’ season

I firmly believe that spending a Sunday afternoon on the sofa with a constant supply of tea and a good book is one of the last forms of pure joy on this earth. It is my happy place. If I have had a long day it won’t fail to lighten my mood. If I’m unwell, it will distract me. It is a fail safe way to make a day 100 times better.

We have finally rolled into November. I say rolled quite literally, October was spent eating birthday cake and Halloween sweets. The clocks have gone back meaning longer, darker evenings. This marks the beginning of cuffing season- the time of the year that perpetual singles and tinder kings and queens everywhere settle their ways for the winter months because drinking mulled wine alone just isn’t the same.

If, however, you are anything like me (don’t see any issue eating cheese and wine alone and a little bit too lazy for cuffing season itself) then I might have a solution so you can hang your heels up for the winter months. Here are the top five reads that are going to get me through to December 25^th.

1. The old favourite: Pride and Prejudice- Jane Austen

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife” might be the greatest opening to a novel in the history of literature…I’m not bias. It doesn’t matter how many times I pick up Pride and Prejudice, Austin always leaves me with something new. I don’t know if it’s the fact that she wrote female leads so empowered and before their time or that Mr Darcy comes to life in those pages that keeps me coming back.

If you haven’t read it I am giving you permission, close your laptop, put your phone down and go and find a copy. You won’t regret it. Elizabeths sarcastic quips and her torn feelings towards the sexiest man ever written will get you through the dark winter evenings.

2. The ‘Best Friend in the form of a novel: Hot Mess- Lucy Vine

Moving home was quite difficult for me initially. After spending four years living with and seeing some of my best gal pals every single day to only having group chats to sustain my vulgar sense of humour and ridiculous need for gossip Hot Mess came right when I needed it. Ellie Knight will become your hero. This book did what so many which have gone before it couldn’t, it made me feel better.

Whether it is tinder dates with grotesque men, tackling the fact that some of your friends are actually settling down or life just generally not going to plan, Lucy Vine leaves no stone unturned and creates a character so relatable you will inhale this novel. Since my parents don’t seem to appreciate my jokes about sex/ poo/ the general human anatomy at least I can still message my friends and then read about Ellie.

3. The Thriller: The Dry- Jane Harper

I am not usually one for thrillers or books that could in any way scare me. Obvious endings annoy me and an elaborate plot at the expense of good writing just isn’t for me. I can happily say The Dry is none of these things. Initially recommended by my Dad, it unravels a mysterious triple homicide and a small town’s dark history.

I couldn’t put this book down for weeks. It is gripping and just complex enough to keep you hooked right until the end.

4. The Thought Provoker: Of Women- Shami Chakrabarti OR Freakonomics- Steven D Levitt and Stephen J Dubner

Depending on what you’re after, both of these books are exceptional. I have already written extensively about Shami Chakrabarti and her new book but it has proved to be as good as eagerly anticipated. Unpacking issues faced by women across the globe she makes, what can sometimes be presented as very complex theory, easy to understand and digest. You can dip in and out of it or sit for hours and, if you’re anything like me get increasingly inspired to get off your ass and go and fight the patriarchy. In a time when attacks on women are getting so much media attention this is THE book to read.

I first picked up Freakonomics on a long haul flight after it was recommended my politics tutor. There was definitely some hype around it but, without sounding too cliché it literally blew my mind. Levitt and Dubner have the rare capability of making maths and economics understandable and engaging. I practically devoured the book in a matter of hours and ordered the next two (which are equally as good). They question everything and their theories are applicable to most things in life- from drug dealers, poverty, weird baby names and perfect parenting.

5. The Christmas Novel: Little Women- Louisa May Alcott

The closer I get to December 1^st the more I pine for candles, Christmas lights, festive films and Mariah Carey. Whilst I start the Christmas count down on October 13^th (age is just a number) I am aware some people aren’t so jovial.

I love reading Little Women at this time of year to start getting me into the Christmas spirit. Granted this is not the happiest book in the world and it breaks me every time I get to the end but following the adventures of Meg, Beth, Amy and Jo really puts me in the mood for mince pies and snuggly blankets.