Your twenties aren’t supposed to be like this. I mean I am about 80% sure of that (like anything else in my life). It’s a Saturday night and like many Saturday nights that have gone before I am curled up with my flatmates on the sofa watching nothing television and eating various baked chocolate goods. The conversation is about how we are all stressed about seminar reading/ essays/ revision that none of us make any move to do. It was at this point I realised that this might be what a quarter life crisis feels like (a quick Google search confirmed this). To be honest I think the fact that I even typed into Google ‘quarter life crisis’ suggests something…
Whilst experiencing this existential crisis (call me dramatic) I decided to ignore all of my responsibilities and watch Girls. It was during this that I had realised I had not turned into a grandma like I originally feared, it WAS a quarter life crisis. All of the things in my life just didn’t seem to be going right. When you’re younger and you see people in their twenties they all seem to have their shit so together. They go to university and sit in coffee shops, reading books by abstract theorists and wearing vintage. They leave university with a degree in the arts or social sciences and walk straight into a job, living in an open plan loft apartment in a city centre and visiting new, up and coming bars and restaurants. Why didn’t someone tell me this wasn’t the case? I created a mental list (and then had a little cry) of all the things in my life that just haven’t lived up to my expectations. Then I pulled myself together and went to the shop for wine.
Money was the first area I found issue because, as a student, obviously I have no money. Adding to this, budgeting and prioritising isn’t really an art I have mastered. It is because of this a lot of money has been borrowed from my parents and whilst I am so thankful, they obviously need to know where its gone. Explaining to your Dad why you needed (another) pair of Topshop mom jeans when you’re not entirely sure yourself is somewhat challenging. I didn’t think I would be balling at this point and I know I am so fortunate but I also wasn’t aware that I would still be living essentially off my parents.
As my last post would suggest I thought the biggest stress in my life (and the world at that point) was getting my dissertation done. It was a painful time for myself, and all who consider themselves close to me (both emotionally and in proximity). It was because of this that I didn’t actually consider that I would have to think about life beyond the dissertation. Grad schemes, postgraduate study, years out, travelling…if there wasn’t so many options my very tired and slightly mushed brain might be able to comprehend plans for the future. Obviously, Alice pre-uni thought she would have a job nailed down by now, probably in London or Manchester, with a nice healthy wage to pay for a caffeine addiction. Instead I’ll have a Arts and Journalism masters and an unthinkable amount of debt…happy thoughts.
The last area of my life which seems to have gone into melt down and perhaps triggered this crisis all together is my social life and appearance. It’s just sort of slipped. I feel like every twenty something year old woman has the constant battle in their head of dressing like a girl but wanting to become a woman with her life together. I have such bloody good intentions but they seem to materialise as big sweaters, skinny jeans and Doc Martens. Instead of fancy cocktails in expensive bars, its cheap Rose or Beer in little pubs. Going from going out three times a week to once at a push has been a bit of a shock to the system but it’s so easy to slip into a routine of being in your pjs with a cup of tea (large glass of wine) and the recent copy of cosmopolitan by nine o’clock. What has happened?
So, like many other twenty -something girls I shall avoid thinking about these issues, place that order on ASOS and go and get another cup of tea just in time for the next episode of Girls.